The Beginning of the War

Just got back from the hospital, where I had an extended visit with my Mom. While I was there, the doctor finally came in with the results of the biopsy.

As we knew, it is cancer. Turns out it's colon cancer, and it has metasticized (sp) to her pelvic wall, which is where the biopsy tissue originated. It is in 2 lymph nodes as well, in her groin. It is classed as stage 4.

Dr. Pais said it is treatable but not curable. That doesn't mean terminal. She was not given a time left kind of thing; we are going to pursue this aggressively and with the determination of a 2 year-old trying to fit a crayon through a coffee straw.

To begin, she will go home tomorrow. She is feeling pretty strong, physically, through drained (as you can imagine) mentally, and chemotherapy treatments will start very soon to begin shrinking and ultimately reducing the cancer to a very miniscule area. It won't be gone. It can't be completely killed off.

I type that, but I have seen greater miracles. And dammit, I think she's due. It's not worth arguing the finer points of my mom's physical stature, but she's had a broken neck, broken wrist, back surgeries, neck surgeries, and now this. Believers in karma would probably think she'd killed a village of handicapped pygmies in her youth to deserve all of this.

Believers in God will resolve to pray and meditate for her to receive His peace and His grace through this.

When I was visiting yesterday, Pastor Robert from St. Paul stopped by to visit. As he and Mom talked Mom mentioned this quote: "He brought you to the fire, now let Him lead you through it."

And that's it. The war on this enemy of the flesh has begun, and we're going in with Him by our side, guns blazing with a John Wayne swagger and the fighting strength of William Wallace. Yarrr.

Mom is disappointed. She repeatedly said she was sorry, and I finally told her that's it; I don't want to hear "I'm sorry" again. Sure, she could've been checked out sooner. Doesn't mean they would have found anything. The past is just that, and we are in for the fight of her life, and now is not the time to dwell on anything past.

Dad is her rock, and is ready to do whatever it takes to keep Mom with us and healthy, as long as possible. We all are. We've resolved to just kick it into high gear and make things work, whatever it takes. It's gonna take a lot of strength from all of us.

And of course, you prayers. Your well-wishes. I know that I have a huge melting pot of friends, from Atheists to Deists to Christians and Buddhists. Even a couple from the Church of Bowling. But whatever you believe in, even if it's just yourself, lift Mama Jude up. We're in the foxholes here.

PLR,
D

State of the Mom / Spiritual Recharge

Spent yesterday evening at the hospital. Not for myself (surprise, surprise), but for my Mom.

What happened? The short(er) version is this...

She has been having gastro-intestinal issues. Blockages, pain... And so, she resolved to get it checked out on Monday. She went in for some tests and to have her stomach scoped. From there, they decided to scope the other way in, as well. What they discovered alarmed the doctor: Her colon had sort of folded over on itself, and from what they could tell, her bladder had prolapsed and was putting pressure on the intestinal wall, which was possibly causing the blockage.

They then decided to do surgery, as they feared the colon issue was also including a perforation, which could be a major issue. So, with the magic of instant communication, they managed to schedule a tag-team of surgeons to go in and do the dirty work.

She went in yesterday. After they got started, things changed.

Her bladder wasn't prolapsed; that's a positive. However, there was still blockage in the intestine. What was causing this blockage?

A cancerous tumor, the size of a tangerine.

They proceeded to remove the tumor and the associated intestine length, down to the colo-rectal area below where the fold-over had occured. Then, as they got into the area around the colon, they discovered that it was compressed. The compression was due to a build-up of tissue around the colon, in her pelvic area. The nature of this tissue remains a mystery right now. They did a biopsy of the tissue and we should know more tomorrow. Praying it's just scar tissue and not cancerous as well.

If it is cancer, it will be treated using targeting chemotherapy to shrink it, which will clear the issue with her colon. However, until more is known about the nature of the tissue, her intestines and colon remain separated.

Mom is hurting. I went back in today, and she was on a morphine drip and was still in pain. Dad is by her side, and maintains the composure that only Lawson can. He is optimistic, and is resolved that the doctors, by God's hand, will do the right things and Mom will be fine.

So, as of 2316 on 9 Aug 2012, this is the latest news on Mom. But now you know why I haven't been updating Facebook; I needed the time to really lay this out. We are all praying hard; our hearts are open to the Lord and we are putting this in His hands.

Now, the rabbithole goes deeper...

Last week, my sister, Jamie, received negative news on her eyes. It seems most likely that she has retinitis pigmentosis, a genetic/hereditary condition that most likely will result in her losing her sight. It takes peripheral vision first-- the timeline is very uncertain-- and then eventually tunnels out into blindness.

How does my sister handle this? Read this from 1 Aug:

Please say a little prayer... Or 2 or 10... On our way to Wash U for testing. My retina specialist is fairly confident that I have retinitis pigmentosa. It's a vision thief. Of course I hope I don't have it, but if I do, it's in God's hands. I just can't bear the thought of my children having it. It's a hereditary disease. I have faith- He's got this, but please keep this situation in your prayers. Thanks!

She immediately thought of her kids. And her God. Her heart is so open to the Lord, even faced with blindness potentially before her 40th birthday.  She knows He is bigger than all of this and will do what is best for her and us.

Mom can't really chat much right now, but I know she would feel the same way. And how did I handle all of this craptastic news?

This is what I posted on my sister's wall, before Mom's ordeal even surfaced:

You know the fight I've had with God for years now. I've never understood why he throws such strong tests on the "good ones," and I've heard that it's because he knows they can handle it. Personally, I think that's B.S., but the only thing I do understand is that those answers will never come, so continuing to plead with God for resolution on why these things happen is a waste of time. We're just not meant to know.

It pains me to see someone who is an awesome sister, wife, mom and one who has given so much to her Lord go through this. We can get all biblical and reference Abraham and others who were basically driven to the point of breaking by God as a test of their faith, and maybe this is something along those lines. That being said, please don't sacrifice Dori if asked.
 

My heart is in turmoil over this. I've asked God to meet me out back so we can talk about this, Man to Deity. I'll let you know if he shows up. Maybe I can strike one of those "golden fiddle" deals and take care of this. I doubt He has skills on a trombone like yo' bruddah.

So, what's my point? I love you. I am earnestly praying for you; to have this test taken from you and for peace in my own heart as I try to fathom why God can be such a dick sometimes. You are far stronger than I, and I know that no matter how this ends up, you will rise above it and amaze the world. Love you, sis.

I have been angry for a lot of things; losing Gary Wayne to cancer, the host of things that Doris suffered with until her death, the loss of children, the atrocities around the globe... I think, "Why is God not intervening and delivering these innocents from these horrible things? How can a just and loving God let this happen to his people?"
And I know I'm not the first to ask this. I won't be the last. And finding the resolution that I will never receive or understand an answer is something I have not done.

That being said, my friend Liz said it well:

This is not God. God is loving and does not put bad things on His kids. The fight is with your enemy, the devil who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus came to give life and more abundantly. Healing has already been paid for at the cross, so claim it and accept in Jesus name. [Accept] nothing less.

 And my beautiful, wonderful sister offered this:

My pastor at CrossRoads, Dr. Brian Anderson, has really helped me understand why we suffer. His guidance and biblical teaching not only helped me digest losing Gary Wayne, it also equipped me for trials like these. I hope the following (based on a conversation with Brian) helps you too.
This is a harsh, painful world (for good reasons, I believe) and some people simply get more pain than others.

To be fair, we have to try and separate the different kinds of suffering we endure. That's not how we want to do it. We lump all our pain in one big pile and look at it and say, "That's not fair!" But even on our worst days we should be able to see that some of it is actually justified.

For example, when we are talking about the decisions of others, it is hard to blame God for that. My friend’s wife left him for another man. That was her free will at work. What would we say, "Lord, over-rule her freedom and make her love my friend again?" Of course not. Maybe the same could be said for her. My friend understands that he made mistakes in the marriage too. It really is not fair nor helpful to blame the Lord for our own human mistakes.

Some suffering is due to forces of nature. I believe that nature runs according to natural laws, set in place by God. I do not believe that He directs the path of every tornado, though I do believe He intervenes in nature's forces. I think our real complaint is "Lord, why didn't you intervene more, and prevent that tornado from getting so close?" But where would we draw the line? Would we approve of God allowing 100 tornados a year? 50? 5? Let's be honest, we'd just say, "No tornados God. Or earthquakes. Or mudslides. Or solar flares. Or bee stings. Or mosquito bites. Or ...” in other words, would we not demand Eden? But do we deserve Eden? Are we well suited for it? Here’s my key point- without natural suffering- like losing a loved one to disease, facing a prognosis of blindness... if we lived in Eden, we'd never SEEK a Savior!

Hefner’s mom died from cancer when he was 9. I watched an 8 year-old little girl die in a traffic accident when I was a police officer. Life hurts! Can we love a God who lets such suffering happen? We don't seem incapable of loving a God of a LITTLE suffering. If the only pain you experienced was an occasional splinter, I'd feel little sympathy for your criticism of God. You have had more than splinters. But then, how much is too much? Thorns, but no tornados? Thorns and tornados, but no ex-wives? Thorns, tornados, ex-wives (freedom), but no cancer? Cancer, but without pain?

None of us have the "big picture" that God has, how all these things could be "necessary." We might see some, but not all. But our sight is so limited.

THIS life is NOT the goal. The goal is Heaven! And this life is bootcamp! It is a learning experience, that is filled with trials, tests and temptations, that prepares us for whatever comes next. We develop character though TRIAL, not peace. (James 1) We discover our own strengths, weaknesses and faith through suffering more than joy. This stubborn human nature is NOT how God made us, it's how we re-made ourselves when we ate our forbidden fruit (which all of us have done). We made ourselves into the kind of creature that needs pain to learn, to change. Sad, but I did that to myself, not God.

And my Hef’s mom, GW and that little girl? They aren't complaining! Paul says in Romans 8 that the suffering we endure now cannot compare to the glory and joy of what God has for us next.

And finally, if suffering was somehow NOT necessary, if it was a poor plan or insensitive of God, how do we explain the cross? God, in the flesh, suffering FAR more than nails, whips and beatings, to save us from our justly deserved fates. Many theologians believe that on the cross, Jesus endured ALL the suffering of the entire history of mankind in His divine nature! Inconceivable! Yet he did this, for us. He joined us in our pain and still does. With His HELP, we SURVIVE!
I love you and appreciate your care, concern and prayers so very much, Bubba. Let your angst go. God’s got this- and us too!
Xoxo
J

And you know what? She's absolutely right. And I shook my head, and walked away a little smarter. Almost chuckling at my own lack of vision (pun intended). 

You know what else? When all of this with Mom started rolling downhill, I didn't curse and gnash my teeth. As much. There was no Jay-Z "middle finger to the sky sayin' f*ck the Lawd" moment. What I did find myself doing was blaming myself. I thought, "Okay; those I love around me are being punished because of my wrongs. Because I strayed from the church that I used to love so much, God is giving everyone hell while I watch like an idiot."

I've been beating myself up. Then, today, I went to day one of the Willow Creek Association Global Leadership Summit. It's a powerful two-day event aimed at developing and fostering leadership skills in a faith-based process.

I heard stories today that broke my heart. I met people that had overcome Hell. I heard powerful messages of focus and determination. I was inspired, I was moved, and I was, above all, spiritually rejuvinated. I feel empowered as a father, as a husband, and brother and son.

I was especially touched by Carly Fiorina's short talk. I took this quote with me:

Life is not measured in time; it's measured in love, contribution and grace.

 Does that sentence not take a weight off of your chest? Don't you just sigh and agree? She brought me, and probably thousands around the world to tears today.

 I found it hard, after her talk and those that came before, to not just sob in my hands. I was truly touched by God and moved by his spirit today. I head back in at 0830 tomorrow for another dose.

I think I'll bring a hanky. :)

One last thing before I head to bed: Today, we (we meaning I) decided to, as a family, sponsor a child through Compassion International. It's not expensive, and after putting things into perspective in my own life was something that I was called to do.

I chose a girl in Bolivia named Valeria. She's about 8 months older than Layla, has a brother (or "bother" as Layla would say), and lives with her mom and dad. I have her picture and some short info about her, but we will be able to directly communicate with her and her family, and I foresee this as something that will help mold Layla's spiritual development, as well as teach her some humility and compassion, something that can be hard to come by when you're a spoiled American kid.
I'm not saying she's a bad kid; not at all. But this will be a wonderful thing for her. And maybe, when she's older (like high school or higher), after years of correspondence and building a friendship, she'll be able to meet her friend.

I'm looking forward to the adventure ahead. Not just with this sponsorship, but with my own spiritual recharge. I do feel energized; I'm over the hump that I feel like I've been clawing at for years. Now to just keep it all in perspective.

So, to close, I ask you to pray. Pray for my Mom. Pray for my sissy. Pray for Valeria. Pray for yourselves. Seek peace, seek a spiritual recharge. Open your hearts and minds and let the light fill you full. You'll never feel more comfortable then when you let God fill you with love. Smile; it's painless.

PLR,
D