Hearts Of Stone, Spirits on Fire

I stood at a distance from God for years. I was angry, torn, burning inside from all of the angst and frustration that I had wrapped around my soul. I threw it all to the wayside; years of Christian study, church leadership, dedication to the Word of God... Trashed it. For years.
I thought I was happy. I thought I had found love. I thought my path was clearly laid out before me. And i thought I could do it all without God.

Was I wrong.

All of those years of stupid are past; I look back at some of my experiences and wonder how in the world I made it past those points. I've been low, for sure. And somehow, I managed to pull through those times without losing it. All of it led me to my life now. All of it- the great times and the times I want to lock away forever.

Did I get out of those holes alone? No. Absolutely not. At the time, I thought i could do it myself. My anger with God over the tragedies and such kept me from believing that He had a hand in any of it. But what a stupid thing to think. Stupid.

I was mad because God had taken people from me. I was mad because of issues inside my home church. I was mad because I found myself conflicted, between something i grew up loving to be a part of that I now found to be stagnant and boring and a lifestyle that entertained me and others. I chose to go down the wrong path, and did that make my world better? Did I suddenly find myself happily married and successful? Did I find myself fulfilled and never thirsting for something better?

No. I found myself "settling." Complacent. Fat. Unfaithful to my God and to man. I didn't trust myself to make the right calls anymore. I couldn't have been further from the man that my God, my father, my mother, my entire family wished that I would become. I was ashamed.

I still feel that shame now and again, as I continue to get my life on track. Somedays, it seems like I'll never get out of debt and get my life where it should be. I'm doing the right things, but it just takes so, so long. If I could go back, so much would be so different, but it's pointless to pine for the past. Lost years are lost. You don't get those back. So I'm doing what I can now to make up for the wasted years, hoping to leave a legacy that is more than I've built so far.

Tonight, I felt a wave of that old anger and helplessness. Another innocent kid is basically on her death bed with cancer. Again. I just don't understand how this happens. Their bodies are so new, so young and untainted; how do they get cancer? Why does God let this happen? I've had absolutely enough with people I love getting sick and/or dying. I find myself with clenched fists and terse jaw, looking for someone to blame... Someone to hit.

I figure that I threw my God to the wayside for nearly 17 years. This little girl, Gabriella is 10. Her life is nearly finished here, and I threw my middle finger to the sky and laughed it all off for nearly twice her life. That makes me sick to my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.

And she's not just another kid with cancer. She's a ball of fire; the sun come to earth, and is making the most of her time to advocate, educate and create awareness. She's fighting-- no, begging for her life, to help come up with a cure for childhood brain cancer. She's dynamic, gregarious and an inspiration, but her sunset approaches. She's done so much in the last year, and she's just a kid. We should all be ashamed that we're not doing as much as one kid.

I lament the wasted time, because I know that I could have done so much more. And yes, i know i'm doing things now, but maybe there was some kid in 1997 that I could have mentored that grew up to discover a cure for childhood brain cancers. Maybe my lack of effort is the reason i am crying now over a kid i've never met in person, and never will.

This post is probably hard to read, because my mind is all over the place. I'm worried about our finances, I'm heartbroken for Gabriella, I'm ashamed that my family is so perfect while those greater than me sob and weep. I'm praying very hard for God to give me direction and guidance right now. I need his Peace and Grace to cleanse my spirit before I find myself spiteful again.