The State of the Universe

Last weekend Carrie and I went to Arlington to see my boy Justin Ross play a show at "Hot Rods & Hoggs." I had one of the best burgers i've had in Texas, watched a monster truck rally on the Deuce, and drank a fair amount of Lone Star beer. Justin's music fit this scenario perfectly, and the night was complete. The women folk (especially my sexy babydoll) were lookin' good, and even Elvis was there. It was pretty impressive seeing the King up close and personal amidst the ladies. Here's a shot of Amon's girlfriend and sister with a hunk-a, hunk-a burnin' love...


Here's a link to Justin's music: Justin Ross

Here's a video from the show: http://youtube.com/watch?v=PR9JZjgu1ec&feature=PlayList&p=84764651AA171849&index=19

* * *

Last week, I bought a scooter. Immediately, I know what you think. "You're gonna look like a pumpkin on a toothpick, fat boy." I'll concede that I am a bit big for a standard scooter, but this is not a standard scooter. For those of you who knew me in college when I had my first scooter, that was a toy. This new buggar is, legally, a motorcycle. I just don't like shifting, so the "turn and burn" action of the automatic scooter is just lovely.

It's a Baccio VX150, which is a nice way of dressing up a Chinese company's name. The VIN tag has some long-ass Asian name on it, so we'll just stick with the Baccio title. It's red, has hydraulic anti-lock brakes, security alarm, and only 846 miles on it when I bought it.

Yeah; matching wheels does seem a bit... fruity, but I live in the gayborhood and the Chinese apparently love coordinating colors. Hey; it matches the 4Runner.




So the interesting story on the purchase... I had been watching Craigslist.org for several months, hoping to find a good deal on a used scooter. My work commute is only about 15 miles round trip, so a scooter is ideal. Last Monday night (2 June), I saw a posting that read, "150cc scooter, $450." Well, that got my attention, so i dug a little deeper. It was also noted in the description that they didn't have a title, but I didn't let that discourage me. After all, I'm a dirty redneck and seem to always find a way around the bureaucrats, right?


Tuesday morning, I got a call from Adrian, the scooter's owner. She said that she had gotten over 30 e-mails about the scooter since posting it the night before, but because my e-mail signature made her laugh, she called me first. What is my signature?


Darren B. Burgfeld
Writer, poet, musician; general slacker
cell: 573.270.7988
home/fax: 214.257.0666
www.myspace.com/iceburgtx


That stupid line merited my moving to the front of the pile of hopeful scooter purchasers. Anyway, I told her that I had cash in hand, and would be able to come get it after work. I was already scheduled to go to Fort Worth that evening to shoot some pictures for Justin's new album, so the timing was perfect.


A little later in the morning, she sent me a text saying that she had someone offer $600, and she had to go with what was in her best interests. I understood; I thought the price was really cheap. Turns out, however, this person was full of it, so the scooter was mine. I figured that there may be some things that need to be done to it, but I was prepared to get $450 worth of scooter.


I met Justin at his house, and we proceeded to head to the scooter's location, which was Adrian's parents' house. When we got to the gate to the neighborhood, I was immediately relieved that I wasn't going to have any problems for two reasons: Her dad was riding the scooter around the neighborhood, and the security guard for this neighborhood was asking more questions that I got from customs when I came back from Germany.


These people are rich. Like George Bush over for a BBQ rich. Ridiculous rich. You could film cinemax movies at these houses and not have to change the sheets rich. Lawn jockey rich. You get the point, right?


The backstory on the scooter is that Adrian had a friend who did testing on these in the US for the Chinese manufacturers. After testing, these were to be destroyed, but that's the dumbest thing since NAFTA, so he gave Adrian and her parents three scooters; two 50cc and the one I bought. They had already sold the other two.


It had never been titled because her parents were the ones that built the houses in that neighborhood, and they used the scooters to hop back and forth between jobsites. That's also why a 2004 scooter only had 846 miles on it.


I paid them, had her sign the bill of sale and title certificate, and Justin and I loaded it up and headed out. I am still shocked that I got such an incredible deal. It's the Burgfeld luck, I think.

So now I am in the process of titling it. I have to register it with the state, since a 150cc is considered a motorcycle. This also means I have to get my motorcycle license, which means I will finally have my Texas driver's license. In the chain of events, that means I have to register my 4Runner in Texas now. I guess I should brace myself for the finality of becoming a Texas citizen.




Titling it shouldn't be a major undertaking. If the regular channels prove to be a pain, I can do a bonded title, which means for $100 i get the title and as long as there are no claims against it for 3 years, it's mine. Shouldn't be a problem there. State tax is $28, and the registration is $33. What all that adds up to is for around $600, I'm getting a vehicle that will top out around 65 mph, gets 85 mpg and will hold my fat ass with no problems. Simply outstanding.




This picture shows the pinnacle of the whole scooter; the Engrish on the side.

That's right; the VX150 has "Improved Inyection." I thought, "Hmm; maybe that's Swedish," but then after reading the VIN tag, I was reassured that it is, indubitably, Engrish.


Oh, happy day!


I did drive it, in case you are wondering. I actually drove it to work and back a few days, but on Tuesday I got pulled over by a Dallas County Constable, and that put to bed any notions of further operation without the proper paperwork.

The conversation went something like this...


Constable: "I've pulled you over because you don't have any plates on your bike."


Me: "Yes, sir. I just bought this yesterday from a girl in Ft. Worth, and I thought I'd drive it to work today to make sure everything worked right."


Constable: "Um, hmm... Let me get your license, please (I hand him my license). Missouri? How long have you lived here?"


Me: "Oh... It's been about 2 1/2 months... my neighbor was saying I had 90 days to get the Texas license, but since I was shopping for a bike I thought it would be best to wait so I could get the motorcycle endorsement as well."


Constable: "Well, you've actually only got 30 days... What does the K mean? Is that motorcycle?"


Me: "No, that was for vision correction, but I've since had lasik. The other was for commercial vehicles."


Constable: "So, you didn't have a motorcycle license in MO either?"


Me: "No, sir."

Constable: "D'ya have insuance on the bike yet?"


Me: "No, sir."


Constable: "Okay... so you realize you're looking at four seperate violations here, right? No helmet, no insurance, no license on the bike and no motorcycle operator's license?"


Me: "Yes, sir... Like I said, I just got it yesterday. All of the paperwork for it is in my office just down the road (literally; i was maybe 1/2 mile from work). I realize that I shouldn't have it out on the road, and I guarantee that it will sit until eveything is legal on it, sir. It was poor judgement on my part, and I'm sorry to have wasted your time."


Constable: (Looks down his nose like is this fat boy for real?) "Alright, well I need to run your license. You have any outstanding tickets or warrants or anything?"


Me: "In Texas?"

Constable: "Anywhere; Missouri, Texas, Hawaii...."


Me: "No, sir. Last thing I got was a speeding ticket in 2005. That was in my 4Runner."


Constable: "Alright; hang tight for a minute."


It's at this time that the officer sits down in his car, and I grab some concrete from the retaining wall conveniently where I pulled over. After about ten minutes of sweating balls, he steps back out.


Constable: (Pulls a long piece of paper from his patrol car) "Alright; I'm going to give you a warning for the violations. Get it home, park it, and don't get back on the road until you have all your shit together."


Me: "Yes, sir. Thanks a lot for understanding. New toys... it's hard to not give 'em a little run."


Constable: "Well, it's more for you than anyone else. You get hit, and you're screwed. How fast will this thing go, anyway?"


Me: "Oddly enough, it stayed right at the speed limit all the way over here."


Constable: (laughs) "Okay, nice. Be safe out there and get your registration and license taken care of."


Me: "Yes, sir; thanks again. Have a safe one."


So, this week I've got to get this stuff taken care of. I hated to use all my good karma points in one day, but I know that it's a bigger pain in the ass to get your motorcycle license when you've been cited for driving without a license in Texas. This state doesn't play. Soon, you'll see me cruising in style, in a helmet, laughing at the $4 I spend to fill my tank. Until then... 4Runner fun time.