Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,

Happy early Thanksgiving. I don't think I'll have it in me to write you on the actual day, between the madness of a houseful of kids and family and the overbearing sense of emptiness.

Okay, that sounded a little over-the-top, but that's it. When I was in Texas, I missed you and Dad a lot. I missed the familiarity of home and the comfort of knowing that even though you were far, I could get there. Through all of it, I knew that if I had shows in Memphis and could skip some extra sleep, I could take a quick 3 hour drive north and visit, even if it was just for a day or so. I knew that on holidays, I'd be able to hang out and probably fall asleep on the couch in your living room.

We all miss you terribly, Mom. I can't imagine what another birthday will be like without the hope of Mom's Texas sheet cake. I hate that I can't just call you and bounce a dumb funny thing off you that I know only you would get. I expected the sadness when you died. I expected the grief and the tears. I just didn't expect the loneliness.

Throughout my entire life, I've been a big nerd. I've managed through most of it with my wit and humor, and always managed to find my own road. Through all of it, though, you were the one who understood me. You were the one who would see further than I could, who knew how my brain worked, at least that's how it always felt. You were my creative muse and writing partner and musical inspiration.

My heart hurts, and for the first time in my entire life the one person who could ALWAYS fix me is gone, further than I can ever drive or fly. I am surrounded by people who love me; I get that. I know I'm not alone, but I know that I am lonely. I have to surrender to the fact that you are gone, and for the rest of my time on earth, I won't ever get to see you or talk to you again.

Mom, I'm lost. I need your help, your direction, your guidance and your friendship. I've turned it over to God so many times since you've left, and it helps, but it doesn't, too. It's hard to say; just typing that, I know you'd know exactly what I meant there. I have no idea what God wants from me anymore. All of the things I've been so passionate about in the last few years seem to just not matter to me any more. I almost wonder if the reason I was vesting myself in these projects and charities was because I felt compelled to show you that I was more than just your creative-yet-frustrating son, trying to earn some parental pride and confidence in your me.

Now that you're gone, I find it hard to write. I find it hard to be creative. I find it hard to sing with passion. I find it hard to care.

I hope that through some divine intervention, I feel your presence and hear your voice in my head, and that you're able to help quiet all of the other voices in my head that keep me from purifying my soul. I don't remember what clarity is like, and normal is right out the window.

I still pray for our family and others. I know that God listens, but I'm through with this year and these trials. I want to see results from prayers. I'd even take an inkling of positive response about any of these things of which I pray. God knows what I need; I hope he helps me. I can't tell what's God's voice and what's the crap that is always swimming around in my mind, keeping me up at night and distracting me from everything else. I want silence, and then God's voice.

Please keep your eye on us. Layla misses you so much. My heart absolutely breaks when I think of how she's going to grow up without you around. I hated your cancer so much, because it stole so much of the last few years away from you two, when she really was bonding with you. I'd give any part of myself for one more chance for Laylabug and Grammy to hang out.

I know we'll make it through the holidays and then onward with our lives. Before you know it, Layla will be in college and I'll be an old man, if I even make it that long. I can't imagine going the rest of my life without hearing your laugh or seeing your smile. I'm not sure what to do, but I do know that I have to keep living so that Layla, Lawson and Carrie will always have a funny, musical person in their lives just like I had growing up. I just wish I would have grown up before you left. To have given you confidence and pride in me would have made me the happiest person on the planet. I'm sorry I wasted so much of our time together here being a lost sheep.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. I love you forever. God, help me find something to be thankful for this year. My spiritual basket seems mighty empty right now.

The Resolution

I bought a book about a year ago titled "The Resolution for Men" by authors/brothers Stephen and Alex Kendrick. I bought this book, ready to read it and make the lifestyle changes that would accompany it.

The first page of text after the ISDN info and the Table of Contents reads as follows:

"Weak men will not be able to handle the contents of this book.
The Resolution is not for the faint of heart, and those who commit to it will be more accountable in the future.
You will be challenged to get out of your comfort zone, work through hidden issues from your past, and make strategic sacrifices for the sake of your family and your faith.
But those who step up to the challenge will find that living out the Resolution will radically impact their priorities and assist them in becoming strong men who are found faithful.
It will take courage.But it will be worth it all.
You've been warned."

I read this passage about a year ago, and set my mind to reading the entire book. I found this book today, hidden amongst some other random papers. I started to use "discarded" instead of hidden, but then I realized that there was a conscious moment (I don't recall how long ago) where I must have been cleaning house and began just piling things in a box. I'm sure my intent at the time was to take the box into my room and go through these things individually, but like so many other things I plan to do, it fell by the wayside.

When I found it, I felt a wash of shame. I had a rough day today, mainly because I let my impatience and frustrations get the best of me. I found myself "rollercoastering"-- going from shaking-angry to patient and loving the next-- on several occasions with my family.

Today should have been very stress free, frankly. Last week was hell, and now that the show marathon and radio auction have passed, I can focus on some other important projects. Today was on my mental calendar as a day to unplug from all of the stress-inducing stuff and focus on house and home, and although I got several projects accomplished (cleaned gutters, installed new exhaust tip on truck, changed the dining room light dimmer before the place caught on fire and cleaned the living room some), I still feel like a good portion of the day was wasted in sulking and snapping.

I have prayed about my behavior today, and I feel that the Lord is now talking to me, redirecting my train of thought and reminding me of the blessings I have to soothe the stress and drama, even as I write this.

Currently listening to:

So back to the book. The other emotion I recalled as I found this book was my sense of self-doubt that I felt when I first read that foreword. I am now certain that is why it ended up in a box: I was too scared and selfish to commit to what it asked of me. Still, even at 38 years old, too immature to take on God's challenge through these brothers to men. Still... Still not a man.

Now is the time. Now is the time to move forward and strengthen what I have built with God and my family. Thicken the bonds of commitment-- to my God and His Church, to my wife and my children, to my boss and my coworkers.

This book shall be read. Avenues are being pursued to use me as God leads me. Time to follow 1 Corinthians 13:11...

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

Onward and upward. And if you want to join me on this journey, let me know. You're welcome to watch from the shore, but eventually my ship will drop below the horizon. Would love to have you on deck for this adventure.

D

Hearts Of Stone, Spirits on Fire

I stood at a distance from God for years. I was angry, torn, burning inside from all of the angst and frustration that I had wrapped around my soul. I threw it all to the wayside; years of Christian study, church leadership, dedication to the Word of God... Trashed it. For years.
I thought I was happy. I thought I had found love. I thought my path was clearly laid out before me. And i thought I could do it all without God.

Was I wrong.

All of those years of stupid are past; I look back at some of my experiences and wonder how in the world I made it past those points. I've been low, for sure. And somehow, I managed to pull through those times without losing it. All of it led me to my life now. All of it- the great times and the times I want to lock away forever.

Did I get out of those holes alone? No. Absolutely not. At the time, I thought i could do it myself. My anger with God over the tragedies and such kept me from believing that He had a hand in any of it. But what a stupid thing to think. Stupid.

I was mad because God had taken people from me. I was mad because of issues inside my home church. I was mad because I found myself conflicted, between something i grew up loving to be a part of that I now found to be stagnant and boring and a lifestyle that entertained me and others. I chose to go down the wrong path, and did that make my world better? Did I suddenly find myself happily married and successful? Did I find myself fulfilled and never thirsting for something better?

No. I found myself "settling." Complacent. Fat. Unfaithful to my God and to man. I didn't trust myself to make the right calls anymore. I couldn't have been further from the man that my God, my father, my mother, my entire family wished that I would become. I was ashamed.

I still feel that shame now and again, as I continue to get my life on track. Somedays, it seems like I'll never get out of debt and get my life where it should be. I'm doing the right things, but it just takes so, so long. If I could go back, so much would be so different, but it's pointless to pine for the past. Lost years are lost. You don't get those back. So I'm doing what I can now to make up for the wasted years, hoping to leave a legacy that is more than I've built so far.

Tonight, I felt a wave of that old anger and helplessness. Another innocent kid is basically on her death bed with cancer. Again. I just don't understand how this happens. Their bodies are so new, so young and untainted; how do they get cancer? Why does God let this happen? I've had absolutely enough with people I love getting sick and/or dying. I find myself with clenched fists and terse jaw, looking for someone to blame... Someone to hit.

I figure that I threw my God to the wayside for nearly 17 years. This little girl, Gabriella is 10. Her life is nearly finished here, and I threw my middle finger to the sky and laughed it all off for nearly twice her life. That makes me sick to my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.

And she's not just another kid with cancer. She's a ball of fire; the sun come to earth, and is making the most of her time to advocate, educate and create awareness. She's fighting-- no, begging for her life, to help come up with a cure for childhood brain cancer. She's dynamic, gregarious and an inspiration, but her sunset approaches. She's done so much in the last year, and she's just a kid. We should all be ashamed that we're not doing as much as one kid.

I lament the wasted time, because I know that I could have done so much more. And yes, i know i'm doing things now, but maybe there was some kid in 1997 that I could have mentored that grew up to discover a cure for childhood brain cancers. Maybe my lack of effort is the reason i am crying now over a kid i've never met in person, and never will.

This post is probably hard to read, because my mind is all over the place. I'm worried about our finances, I'm heartbroken for Gabriella, I'm ashamed that my family is so perfect while those greater than me sob and weep. I'm praying very hard for God to give me direction and guidance right now. I need his Peace and Grace to cleanse my spirit before I find myself spiteful again.

Day 12 and KILLING IT.

Broke the 360 mark today. So far, I'm down 24.2 pounds. That's pretty freakin' substantial for 12 days, so I celebrated by not doing anything stupid and drinking lots of water. Neener, neener, temptation.

The diet is going very well. I've leveled out to a pound or so lost per day, but I've still got 30 days left, so I'm gunning for the record (52.4 pounds, I believe).

I did face a slight temptation tonight, when I was making the kids dinner (Layla requested dad's "beanie weenies") and I licked the spoon. GASP. Yeah, the delicious brown sugary goodness of baked beans hit my palate like Whataburger to a pot head. But I held back and moved on. Because I HAVE TO, and because that's the kind of stupid thing that can throw this whole train off the tracks. And I am determined to do this 110%, no bullsh*t. And so far, so good.

I did "feel the burn" as they say over the weekend. Had a Tone Def All-Stars show Saturday night, and realized that performing takes more out of me than I thought. After the show, I felt super weak and fatigued. Didn't think about that very well, but I was drinking a lot more water in prep for it, so I was fine, just worn out. I have another show this Friday, and will crank the water and up the protein just a bit to compensate. I wish HotShots pizza was fat free, low cal and loaded with protein. lol

So, I'm staying focused and on track, and it feels great. Doc's amazed and I've already had a couple of people noticed I'm losing. I've got such a long way to go to get healthy, but man, what a shot in the arm this is!

 

Let the cleansing of the D continue. Thankful to God for all of my blessings that are making this work.

Darren Burgfeld - LOSER.

I thought about starting a totally new blog for the later part of this post, but screw that. I always say I'm going to post a bunch, and then slack off. Two blogs? What am I, a hipster?!?
For instance, my last post was on Mom's accident. I haven't updated this blog since. I blame Facebook for making my communication that much easier... *shakes fist in air*

For the record, my mom is doing really well. She still has a long way to go, but it's been two months. She had emergency brain surgery after her fall, and was in ICU for 11 days. Then she stayed at the hospital for weeks after, finally coming home about a month after the accident.
Her motor skills have come leaps and bounds. She's walking; with assistance, but walking none the less. Her speech is incredible; possibly from years of teaching, but if you talk to her on the phone, you'd never know this happened.
I'm proud of how hard she has worked to get where she is after this. Looking back, I was devastated, thinking that she may never be able to talk, walk... Just thinking about it hurts. But she fought back, persevered, and is still conquering. Nothing can stop this woman, my mother, and I've taken her resilience as inspiration for what I decided to do.
Please keep mom in your prayers. Still a fight but every day is a winner.


Now, about my decision. My weight has been an issue for me for many years now. I've fought and won, lost again, gave up, kicked my own ass... It's like Fight Club with the demons inside (which I guess is pretty much just Fight Club).
I've always had excuses: Crazy schedules, always on the road, too tired to cook, etc. Well, now, the majority of any semblance of excuse is gone. Especially since Carrie's new job, which has her home every evening and off on the weekends. We're in that middle-class, regular schedule world, and it feels fantastic.

Yet here I sat, day after day, watching the pounds blob around, frustrated with every ounce (and that's a lot of damn ounces) of my being. Spiritually, I've been able to refocus, correct the wrongs of the past that needed it, forgiven myself for the years of hatred and anger over death and sadness. I'm past all of that. But here I sat, big and fat, watching the cat play on the mat. Drat.

I used past tense on the "sat" for one reason: I sat until last week.

I've been researching diet plans and such to try and find a way off this mountain, and really just didn't take anything too seriously. My boss, Chris E. and I were talking about my weight (we're close enough that we talk about these things; he's an incredible man and boss), and he presented me with a challenge. Then he left for Germany the next day, and so I had a couple weeks to think about it.

Two days before Chris got back, I went to Dr. Eric Becking's office in Jackson (local chiropractor) to learn more about his ChiroThin program. I had looked into it, but didn't get any gory details before this meeting.

I won't go on a sales pitch now, about this program. And I don't need to; that's what I like. It's not one of those "work from home and lose weight" things; it's a doctor supervised program. NUTSHELL VERSION: 6-week program. First 2 days, load calories. Like, 5k a day. YEEK. After that, 500 cal/day. Yeah. 4oz each lean protein, veggies and fruit, lunch and dinner. For 40 days. It's my walk in the desert...
However, there are supplemental drops along with it that keep my metabolism up in that 5k region, so I keep burning fat and not going into starvation mode.

Today is day 7, and I'm down 18.4 lbs so far. Yep.

I weighed in Saturday morning at 379 pounds. Saturday and Sunday were my loading days, and I was a complete pig. I said goodbye to White Castle, Jersey Mike's and a couple other favorites. Carrie and I were in STL for The Urge concert (#PTMFUS), and so I did it up. It was hard, honestly.
After my loading days, I weighed in at 383.2, which meant my loading weekend piled on more pounds (imagine that). Between Monday and today (Friday), I've lost that loading weight and another 14 pounds.

So, I'm determined, and excited. We're all making changes around here, as a family, so this journey will be hardest on me but it will not be easy on the family. But Carrie's got my back, and although Layla said she'll be sad because she won't be able to jump on my belly, I know the kiddos are right there with me, too. And that's my warm, fuzzy. That's my cross-checker.

I won't blow this. I won't screw it up. I will follow mom's example and stick to the straight and narrow, and hopefully narrow my ass so I can sit more comfortably at the Cardinals' games. :)

I've been enjoying my foods. I cook everything: Chicken, fish, shrimp or pork so far for protien, and I've always loved veggies and fruit. That part's a piece of cake (figuratively). I don't like cake.

So, off to the races. the record on this program is 52.7, I believe. I'm shooting for that bar, and hope to top it. Time will tell, but the Force is strong with this one, young padowan.

Stick around, and follow me on Facebook if you want. I'm taking a picture every day so I can make a shrinky-Darren gif when this program is over. Because that would be the best idea ever.

PLR,
D

My Crappy Birthday: The First Eight Hours

Day started great. Layla had breakfast with me and I took her to school. Got to the office, got to work.
Jamie called and said that mom fell at the house, and they were calling 911. They got mom to the hospital and I got there shortly after.
Mom was pretty out of it; just kind of mumbly and such. They took her down for a CT scan, and I left to go drop off a think for work at a client's office and to grab some lunch.
On the way back from lunch, I turned up the radio and noticed my sub wasn't on. I reached back to see if the amp overheated and it's gone. Some ducker broke into my truck over night and stole my amp.
And I know it had to have been overnight, because when I got in to take Layla to school, my cup holder in the front was disturbed. Nothing was taken out of it, but I wondered why the stuff was jostled.

Right before I left for lunch, Jamie called and said they were waiting on the neurologist to come look at her scan. I was rushing back to the hospital, and then had to go all the way back home to file the police report. Waited forever to do that, and then started heading to the hospital.

Talked to Darren H., and he said that mom had some bleeding on her brain and they were going to keep her in ICU for observation. The doc didn't think she would need surgery, and they were going to rescan in 6 hours.
After talking to Jamie, I decided to go wait it out here in the office. Jamie just called back, and mom's heart rate had dropped and the bleeding on her brain had gotten worse, so they decided to go ahead and do surgery. They are in surgery now.
On top of mom's ordeal, a bad accident in Jackson sent at least 4 people to the trauma unit in the same ER, so Jamie was surrounded by madness and tears and everything.

Mom is in surgery, and Dad and Jamie are up there. I asked her to let me know when mom is back in the room so I can come up.

I'm fighting really hard not to lose it. Such a mix of emotions right now; fear, sadness, anger, vengefulness... I think i'm going to head over to church and just pray about all of this. I need to isolate myself right now.

Who knows what the rest of my birthday will bring, but I think I'll go slam my hand in the truck door 4 times and maybe burn off one eyebrow, just to balance everything out.

PLR,
D

Comfort, Relief, and Strange WoW References

I'm honestly in a pretty good spot right now, all things considered. Looking back at the rollercoaster that has been life, I see some pretty amazing moments where we ducked and dodged and somersaulted to avoid certain doom... and we weren't even wearing costumes.

I feel like Carrie and I just beat a really hard raid for the first time and can finally rest, recover, change some gear and have some fun just jumping off the bridge in Stormwind (that bit is for my World of Warcraft friends*).

For those of you who are having an "Okaaaay... huh?" moment, what I'm saying is we've been fighting. Not each other, but the world. Trying to balance all of our personal madness with work and the kiddos and bands and so on has been really hard. Carrie is... She is fantastic. She works so hard, and loves these kids so much.
And now she has a new career and an opportunity to apply the brakes.

She has been going non-stop without fail since Memorial Day last year, when she took the internship and maintained full-time status at Best Buy so we could keep our insurance. Despite an average of 60 hours a week or so for ten months, all while trying to graduate college, she has not lost her cool. She has not broken down. She has persevered for everyone.

That, folks, is a champion. And now she has her reward for all of this work, as she has been hired on full-time with TG Missouri in Perryville in the HR department, which is where she wanted to be.

No more late nights. No more Black Friday. OMG. I just now realized that.

And no more weekends. We can do family things. She can come on all of our Nature Center adventures. She can go fishing with us. We can go visit family. Birthday parties, holiday parties... THERE'S SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES!!!

She is being compensated well at this new position. And we will continue to have benefits-- better and cheaper, I might add-- for doc's visits and such.

So, we beat the Lich King. And now we can focus on other things. Primary: fix our credit. Secondary: get to church regularly. Tertiary: everything else that makes up for lost time.

Yeah, we know there will be another raid someday. And when we're fighting those beasts, we'll look back and think of how easy all of this really was. But you know what? I'm damn proud of my wife and our little family, and I relish the challenges ahead.

After all, that's what makes life a game anyway.

*                  *                 *

In other news... Mom is coming up on her last chemo treatment. She's doing so wonderfully; I really can't describe how... healthy she looks, all things considered. She's been so upbeat and motivated to beat this cancer garbage, and we're hopeful that very soon we'll have a big-ass party to celebrate the conquering heroine!

God is good, kids. 2012 was a painful year. A really, really painful year. But things have come so far in just this short first quarter... I'm telling you, faith is worth it. Pray earnestly; talk to God. You will not hear Him hovering over you with a booming James Earle Jones voice, but you will hear Him. I know I have friends, some very close to my heart, that don't believe in God. It's your choice to make, but when things are their darkest, His is an ear that will always listen, and the answers will come.

Here is a quote that a friend posted on facebook earlier tonight that I found absolutely true:

There's some truth for you, kids. I keep a circle of friends that covers the entire political and theological spectrum, and if everyone could read this and nod and understand, our entire system would be so much more intelligent.

Anyway, I'm babbling. Keep things in perspective, work hard, focus on your mission and pray. Go therefore and do the damn thing.

PLR
D




*for the record, I've been out of WoW for several months. Sorry, Blizzard. ;-)